


Mountains

by Kt_fairy



Series: Mountains [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Communication, Complusive Behaviour, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Gender Exploration, Genderqueer, Getting Together, Homophobic Language, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Mutual Pining, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Attacks, Racist Language, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-27 22:02:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10053359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kt_fairy/pseuds/Kt_fairy
Summary: It was something that had always been there, not realising there was something unacceptable about running around in his sisters princess dresses until he was told that it was time to grow out of that now, he was a boy he should do boy things, which little Billy P had thought was a strange thing to say because he had already been doing ‘boy things’ - climbing trees, shooting BBguns at cans, crab fishing, collecting bugs, sailing around the inlet with his cousins - just sometimes he had done them dressed as Snow White or a Good Fairy.He felt more like a boy than nothing but even that was vague in comparison to what it seemed like other guys felt - for better or worse he just felt like Will Poindexter. He was not sure what that meant in the overall scheme of things; he usually got annoyed at the stupidity of their only being two vague options in this, then annoyed that the options seemed so arbitrary, and then realised how busy he was and went to go do something else before he could work it all out.





	

 

 

 

 He took a deep breath, and then a deeper one, looking down at his watch, twisting the leather strap so it dug sharply into his wrist and pulled the delicate skin over his bones. There was fifteen minuets before Chris got back from class, ten if he did not chat which was unlikely but had to be factored in, so that left him nine minutes to get this done.

 Another deep breath. “It’s only Farmer.”  He whispered to himself, moving back to his door and crossing the shared bathroom in eight careful steps just to make sure this would not go badly.

“S‘open.” Cait’s lyrical voice called through the door when Will finally knocked, smiling up at him from Chris’ cluttered desk when he stepped into the room. “Hi Will.”

“Hey Cait.”

“What’s up? You okay?” She asked, wheeling back from the desk with a faint look of concern on her face.

 Will tried to make a noncommittal noise but it came out as pained at he felt, Cait’s big blue eyes widening. “Can I ask you something? To do something for me?”

“You can ask, but I’m a but worried what it might be.” She laughed a little nervously, sweet and honest as ever.

“You do sports.” He said, and wanted to die. “You got the strong shoulders and muscles and stuff, and you’re tall, so you’d know something about clothes that’d fit a body like that right?”

 The worried look on Cait’s face turned into a gleeful smile as he stretched one of her legs out to drag the herself a little closer to Will, “Not an expert, but us in the SWV make do. The girls on the SWH would prob know more about it...unless there is someone on the team you don’t want me to ask?” Will felt himself blush and Cait cupped her cheeks with her hands as she smiled up at him. “Awww Wiiill!!! Do you have any idea what size she is? Come on I’ll help you out, dude.”

 Will held out the post-it note he had been fiddling with the whole half hour since Cait had come into the Haus, a strange sense of calm coming over him when she took it from him. It was out in the open now and even though that made his heart thud behind his breastbone he was relieved that the weight he felt like he had been carrying for years was lifted by the simple, terrifying act of just telling someone.

 He rubbed his hands over the worn soft fabric of his jeans as he watched her look over the measurements, immaculate brows drawing together in a frown before they flew up towards her hairline as realisation dawned.

  _Shit shit shit shit shit shit_. This was it. He should never have asked her, this was weird he knew it was weird why did he think this was okay, she wasn’t even really that close to him. They were friends because of Chris. What if she thought this was weird and gross and told Chris? What if Chris told Bitty? What if it got out to the team! To Nursey!

 Will dug his knuckles into his thigh, holding his breath as Cait’s head snapped up to look at him, unfolding her other leg from under her as she stood, grasping the post-it in both her hands. “I assumed and I...you’ve been single all the time I’ve known you and I , we - Chris and me - have no idea why. I just thought...But that’s nothing to do with this I’m sorry Will. You have my total support, I’ll help in any way I can. Chris will as well if you want to tell him. Oh! Is Will okay to call you? I don’t want to cause any uhhh…”

“I’m not trans Cait.”

“Oh...oh?”

“I always...you can’t go to Samwell and not explore all parts of yourself right? Being a boy doesn’t have to be what someone else says it is.”

“Of course. Of course! Thank you for asking me and trusting me with this. Clothes are just clothes, nothing inherently gendered about some cloth is there?"

“When did Shitty get here?” Will joked weakly, smiling awkwardly when Cait huffed a laugh.

“I’m helping you, be nice.”

“I’m always nice.”

 Cait smiled warmly at him. “Come on, let’s get you some cute outfits!” She scooped up her laptop and crawled up onto Chris’s bed, shuffling over to give Will enough room to lean on the headboard next to her.

 Chris came in as they were reading about ‘core-pieces’ on a style blog, Will suddenly alarmingly aware of Cait’s leg thrown over his and how close they were having to sit to both see the screen. For a moment he considered leaping off the bed but Chris just beamed at them and began enthusing about how much he was enjoying the music class he was taking.

“What are you guys up to?” He asked, trying to peer over the top of the laptop to see the screen.

 Will opened his mouth as Cait said. “It’s a secret sweetheart.”

 Chris’ eyes widened as he leapt away from them.“Oooh! Do you want me to go?”

“C it’s you room man.”

“But it’s your secret! What if I put my music up loud, promise I won’t listen!”

 Over an hour later they had trawled through what felt like every sale on the internet and collected together a few of the things the blog had suggested plus some stuff Will liked the look of. They were chilling now, Cait ranting about the uselessness of pockets in women’s clothing while she wormed her feet under Chris’ thigh where he was laid across the end of the bed, earphones in and music so loud Will could hear it, muttering to himself about Rossini.

 Will was still feeling a bit nervous, unable to keep his fingers still and wishing he had stuffed the fidget cube that Nursey had got him for secret Santa into his pocket before he came over. Nervous, but excited too. It was something that had always been there, not realising there was something unacceptable about running around in his sisters princess dresses until he was told that it was time to grow out of that now, he was a boy he should do boy things, which little Billy P had thought was a strange thing to say because he had already been doing ‘boy things’ - climbing trees, shooting BBguns at cans, crab fishing, collecting bugs, sailing around the inlet with his cousins - just sometimes he had done them dressed as Snow White or a Good Fairy.

 Will knew he was awkward and gangly even with college Hockey piling on the muscles. His hands were bony, worn with scars and callouses he had begun collecting at the age of nine when he started helping his dad fix boats. He loved working with his hands, it was the only time he got any quiet in his head, but hated what it did to them; they made him seem sharper, roughed up his edges even more. He hated touching anyone, letting anyone see his hands, because people thought working with your hands meant you weren’t smart but Will was. He was smart and gentle, so small and anxious deep down inside himself, but in flannel and worn work boots and with his bubbling temper people did not see that.

 Women’s clothes were soft because women could be soft. They could be pretty and delicate and light, were expected to be. They could smell of nice things, not grease and sweat and godawful men’s deodorant. They could bake and cook. Girls could like flowers and stuffed animals and cry at animated movies. Girls were encouraged to do well at school and not told to leave homework unfinished in favour of helping out an uncle, a cousin, his dad.

 He felt more like a boy than nothing but even that was vague in comparison to what it seemed like other guys felt - for better or worse he just felt like Billy Poindexter. He was not sure what that meant in the overall scheme of things; he usually got annoyed at the stupidity of their only being two vague options in this, then annoyed that the options seemed so arbitrary, and then realised how busy he was and went to go do something else before he could work it all out.

 He was getting there though, which was the main thing. Road goes ever on and on and all that good shit.

 

                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_X_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

“You know what?” Chris said as they got dressed after practice, leaning in close to shout over the MGMT Tango had pumping out of the speakers. “I’m so happy you and Cait are friends. Like, I know people who’d be weird about it if their girlfriend and best friend hung out together and I want you to know I’m not. I’m so happy you guys feel like you can.”

“Dude, I never even thought that it might be weird.” Will half lied, “It’s Cait and you. That’s like destiny.” That was not a lie, they were the most disgustingly cute couple and Will loved them a bit for it.

 Chris beamed at him. “Awww Dex! I love that everyone I love are friends! I have the best Squad.”

 Will gave him a long look. “You wanna hug me don’t you?” Chris nodded. “Fine.” Will sighed, leaning over and pretending to be put upon as he hugged Chris back.

 A shadow fell over them, Will catching the smell of that familiar mossy cologne that always made him heat up all the way to his ears. “Umm, hashtag Rude that I’m not invited to the frog love in.” Nursey’s smooth voice announced, standing with his hands on his hips with his sweatpants slung low as he looked down at them, all smooth unblemished dark amber skin and shoulders rounded with the kind of solid muscle guys killed themselves in the gym for.

 Before Will could snark at him Chris tugged Nursey down, almost pulling face first into the locker if Will hadn’t darted forward to catch him, one hand on his arm just below his tattoo and the other spread over the warm skin of Nursey’s firm chest, his palms dragging against rough chest hair.

“Fucking hell C!”

“You tryin’a kill me bro?”

“You wanted a hug didn’t you?”

 Nursey took that as the challenge it was and they began wrestling, toppling onto the floor and taking Chris’ goalie pads crashing down with them.

“Y’all!”

“Hey! Don’t roll onto the logo!”

 Will stayed out of it, only getting involved to poke Chris with his foot so he overbalanced when he had managed to get a knee in Nursey’s back, ignoring them as he continued getting dressed.

 He pulled his sweater over his head and found Nursey sprawled at his feet, faint pink high on his cheekbones, eyes glittering up at him. He looked even more beautiful than he did usually and it made Will irritated. “Yes?”

“You have wicked strong hands, man.”

 Will rubbed his hands together, feeling the callouses and rough patches catching on one another and having to hold down a shudder at the sensation. It was not always like that, most of the time he did not even notice it but every so often a wave of disgust would overtake him at the feeling of his own hands. “And?” He snapped in an attempt to cover it, pressing his palms into the fabric of his worn soft jeans, reminding himself that the skin under it was smooth too, that he was not all hard and ugly.

 Nursey shrugged. “S’not a surprise but, you know.” He pulled himself up with a groan, “It’s like when you notice something in a movie you’ve watched loads of times. Like ooooh, how could I have never noticed that was there before.”

“Like the cornices on Founder's Building.” Will said as forced himself to push through his discomfort by bending down to tie up his shoe. “One day you see the decoration on them and you think, oh, of course - you’ve always been there.” He glanced up at Nursey and found him looking down at him with a soft, slightly surprised look on his face.

“Yeah.” He said gently, the harsh fluorescent lights softened by the cloud of curls on top of his head. “That’s exactly it.”

 

                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_X_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Jack was sat in the kitchen when Will shouldered into the Haus one evening a week later, reading a book on the Russian front on WWII or something with his chin resting on a pile of packages Will did not spare a second glance when he called out a, “Hey Jack.”

“Heya Dex, you doing okay?”

“You know, work work work, hockey hockey hockey. Good game against the Habs bro, they didn’t deserve that win.”

 Jack shrugged, looking a little more philosophical about suffering a loss than he used to when he was Dex’s captain. “We’ll get ‘em on the home game. These are for you by the way.” He pointed to the pile of packages, nudging them towards Will.

“Oh. Yeah. Okay, thanks. Did you get them in or…?”

“I met the UPS guy when I pulled up. Didn’t want to go in your room without permission, eh.”

 Will laughed as he scooped them up. “I’d stay out of a frat boys room too, no worries. You waiting for Bitty?” 

“He’ll be home in a minute, just text me.” 

“Cool see you in a bit for pie.”

“Yeah, see yah.”

 Will tried not to run out of the kitchen and up the stairs, heart thumping in his throat as he gripped the packages to his chest. Even through the plastic of the bags he could feel how smooth the fabrics were, how little weight they had compared to his usual clothes, face burning as he hurried into his room and backed the door closed.

 He breathed for a moment, nervous excitement making his limbs feel a bit numb, looking out of his window at the clouds slowly turning pink as the sun set.

 Placing his bag on his desk Will kicked his sneakers off and pushed them underneath it, pulling the chair closer to his bed to place the packages on. He dug his knife out of the back of a draw and carefully cut open every bag, laying out each piece on his comforter and smoothing out the creased.

 After a discussion of boundaries and comfort zones Will and Cait had decided to mainly stuck to lose pants and blouses, deemed feminine only because of their cut or colour (pale lavenders and jewel blues), their low necklines and high waists. Will ran his hands over a black polar-neck that was so thin so as to be almost useless to keep the cold out. It was ridiculous and impractical and so stupid, but all the same it sent a little thrill through him.

 He ran his hands out further, eventually climbing onto the bed and laying down on top of the clothes, fingers playing with the flimsy zip on the one skirt he had picked out, burying his face in them as he wished he had something to spray on them that was not as obviously masculine as Old Spice, something rich and floral, maybe a little bit mossy.

 Eventually Will rolled onto his back and sighed, he still had adrenaline running through him but he did not fidget like he usually did, just lay there quietly. Trying them on now would be a rush, he could smell the maple sugar pie Bitty was cooking and no way was he going to be late to dinner and have to miss out on that. He wanted to take his time with these, maybe have Cait be around for moral support.

 Will did not have that many clothes anyway so there was more than enough of the hangers Lardo had left behind for him to hang everything up in his roomy closet. There was no need to try and hide them even if Will had wanted to because no-one ever borrowed his clothes. Well, apart from the one t-shirt Nursey had taken in retaliation for the sweater Will had never given back but to be honest Will had gotten the best out of that because he actually wore the sweater whereas he had never seen Nursey in his shirt.

 He absentmindedly brushed his fingers down the arm of the sweater. It was soft naturally, as all expensive clothes seemed to be, and he wished it still smelt of Nursey.

 

                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_X_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

 Yale were the worst. They were a great team but their continued success only made them cocky and bullish. They seemed to delight in crushing the opposition against the boards or knocking down the smaller forwards which was a bit hard for them to do against Samwell as Bitty had drilled speed into them so they were far too fast for Yale’s great lumbering players to catch, and Ransom and Holster's legacy meant their defensive lines were big enough and smart enough to hold their own against Yale's forwards.

 So they resulted to name calling and chirps, which was fine, it was Hockey. Will could ‘hey dude relax, you’re not playing that bad’ the calmest player into anger and Nursey was a great student of the Claude Giroux school of cooing at people, something so simple most guys did not notice they were being driven to distraction until it had already happened.

 It may be Hockey, but there was a line, and nine times out of ten it was the same two things that players crossed it with. “Hey fag! Hey, hey fag!”

 Will wheeled around as he skated to his circle. He was not going to get ejected for hitting this fucker but he was ready to draw the officials attention if Bitty did not. But Bitty’s line was not on, and the Yale #88 was eyeballing Nursey.

“What those big black lips do fag?”

 Nursey went for the guy with a snarl and Will shot after him, wanting to hold Nursey back but not knowing if he should, instead slamming into the guy trying to shove Nursey off the #88, most of the other players skating over to get involved.

 “The fuck you say to me? The fuck you say to me! Yeah you fucking coward didn’t think so. You scared of me now? You scared of the big black fag?” Nursey was shouting as he rammed the guy face first into the boards hard and kept him there with his stick jamming into the guys back until the Ref’s broke it up.

 Once everything had calmed down, the captains had been spoken too and Coach Hall had lodged a formal complaint Yale #88 got ejected from the game and, by some stroke of loophole genius that Nursey had squeezed through by not actually throwing a punch, he only got a two minute penalty for roughing, Will joining him for cross checking.

 Nursey hurled his gloves into the corner of the penalty box and for a moment looked like he was seriously considering breaking his stick against the wall. He paced the length of the box in a silence so heavy it made the attendant look on edge, finally collapsing onto the bench next to Will and gulping down half a bottle of water with more aggression than even Will thought possible.

 He had no idea what to say. What could he say, he had had plenty of shit thrown at him before but this? Will was mad too but he knew it was nothing like what Nursey must be feeling, especially as he was the only black player on the team now Ransom had graduated. 

“What do you need me to do?” He whispered after the first minute of their penalties had gone by, Nursey still visibly furious.

 A broad, powerful hand was held out to him and it took Will a moment to realise what he meant, shoving his glove under his arm to pull it off and placing his hand in Nursey’s. “You’re going to get the puck to me and those racist fuckers will have to watch a black man score the game winning goal on them."

“Okay.”

“I’m not taking that shit.”

 Will cleared his throat and Nursey shot him a look like he expected something placating to follow that he really did not want to hear from a white guy. “I’ll always back you up, if you need it.”

“Back up helps.” Nursey’s grin had an edge to it, letting go of Will’s hand to go and scoop up his gloves.

 Nursey got the game winning goal, a slap shot that the goalie had no chance of saving, yelling in triumph right at Yale’s bench as he crushed Tango into his side and Will into the other. “Fuck ‘em Dex!” He gritted, knocking their helmets together. “Fuck 'em all!”

 

                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_X_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

 The rapid, rhythmic knocking could only come from two people, Bitty or Cait, and as it was coming from his bathroom door it probability wasn't Bitty. Will pushed off from his desk and wheeled across the room to unlock the door.

“Look what I haaaave!” Cait sang, kicking the door closed and flicking it locked again while she brandished a floral pouch at him.

“A wash bag?” He observed dryly.

 She shoved his shoulder and sent him rolling backwards. “You are looking so pretty by the way. I said that skirt would be cute!”

 Will smoothed his hands over the silky smooth fabric of the pleats. It had taken a while to work up to the skirt; pants were safe, even the blouses that lay so lightly across his collarbones he forgot they were there, gasping when they slipped over his skin, were safe. Skirts were a little different, a little more nerve wracking, maybe a little too feminine. These were his clothes, it was not drag, and he was feeling his way with more care than he usually directed at himself. Cait had not pushed him to get one when Will had hesitated over it, but it had only been six bucks in a sale and had looked cute on the model so they had gone for it.

 It was so pretty, Will had wanted to twirl in it so bad whenever he had held it up against himself in the mirror but he kept having a sinking feeling that he would look terrible in it, his pale muscular hockey legs looking ridiculous sticking out from under the hem.

 He wasn’t particularly blessed in the body hair department, thank God. He liked it well enough on others but the thought of rough ginger hair everywhere made him shudder. The internet had informed him that face razors were actually a bit better at shaving legs than the ones marketed to women so had gone and shaved his legs straight away before he managed to over-complicate the whole thing and probably end up needing stitches when he fucked up through anxiety.

 In the end he had only suffered a couple of small nicks around his knees which barely bled at all and left no scabs to mar his pale freckled skin. His legs had been so smooth afterwards Will had kept rubbing them together, absentmindedly running the backs of his feet over his calves whenever he had no pants on, fascinated by the difference having no leg hair made to the feel and look of them; he had never payed enough attention to them before now to notice but he had quite nice legs.

 Nice enough for the skirt that he had been itching to wear.

“I put it on first time a couple days ago.”

“Lack of pockets is the worst isn’t it?”

“Annoying as fuck. Wanna twirl?” 

“Uhh, yeah.” Cait scoffed, dropping down onto his bed and tucking her legs up under her as he stood and spun in place so the pleats fanned out around him like he was fucking Cinderella or something. “You Hockey boys and your legs. You’re whole life is a leg day.”

“Lucky you, dating the bendy one of us.” She leered at him while waggled her eyebrows so he pulled a face at her. “What’s in the bag?”

“I thought - if you wanted - I could paint your toenails?”

 Will hesitated. It would be something visible, something his team would see in the locker room or when he shuffled around the house bare foot in the mornings. He went through a mental list of what their reactions could be; Nursey would probably turn up with his fingernails painted the next time Will saw him because he had to be the most extra guy in the Haus. Bitty and Chris wouldn’t say anything except to comment on the colour, and Ollie and Wicks would most likely bicker over whether they should do it too if Will scored in the next game. Everyone else would just have to like it.

“What colour’s you got?”

 He chose red for his toes because deep down he was a classy bitch, almost smearing it all over his bed sheets because he had no idea that nail varnish took a billion years to dry.

“I don’t really do make-up. I have my foundation and stuff, eyeliner, lipsticks, but the rest of this I got for fancy dress so if you wanted to play around with it you can have it? If you don’t then I’m sorry, I don’t know where your boundary is…”

 Will looked through the little pile she had made between them. He had no idea where his boundaries were either. “Are you sure? This is nearly a third of what you have in there.”

“I’ve used them once, I’m gonna throw them away if you don’t take them.” 

“Thank you Caitlin.”

“No worries _William_. Umm, can you check some calculations for me? I’d ask Chris but he has that essay to edit...”

“I knew there was a catch!”

“A very small one. Please?”

“Least I can do, Cait. Honestly. Come on, show me the damage.”

 

 Will discovered that he did not like eyeliner, it was a pain to apply and he was highly aware of it once it was on and getting it off made his eyes red. He liked mascara, a thin coat on his fair lashes made it look like he actually had some. Lip gloss was a big no - it was sticky and perfumed and slippery all at once. Out of a block of six eyeshadows he liked the shimmery ones the best, liked putting them on his lids and on his cheekbones and turning his face into the light to see them glitter.

 The red varnish on his toes was the favourite. He liked how it looked when he pushed his toes into the ratty carpet in the mornings before he put his socks on, liked having a bit of softness with him everywhere he went, knowing it was there on days he couldn’t or didn’t want to sit in his room wearing his soft, light, pretty clothes. He also liked looking down at his bright red toes in showers after rough games, smug that the douchebag chirping or roughing up his team would have his pride forever damaged if he knew he was getting crushed against the boards by a dude with red toenails.

 He also skipped a couple of monthly haircuts so he could let the neat, functional haircut he had had since he was eleven grow out a bit. He was not going to go for a Flow because he thought they looked fucking terrible unless you were Carl Haeglin or Shitty, two ends of a spectrum he was nowhere near, but it was long enough for the natural wave to just start to come through and for him to need to blow his bangs out of his eyes every so often. Cait said it softened his features and he tried to see it in the face that looked out of the mirror at him every morning and night.

 He had never been really comfortable in himself for as long as he could remember, but this one nagging thing, this one thing about him that made him run his fingers along the racks of dresses when he took his little sisters to the outlet Mall, that had him making daisy chains on lazy summer afternoons, this felt like something that could finally make him more at ease.

 And it seemed to be working! Light, he felt light. His sharp edges had smoothed slightly, the stormy seas inside him quelled a little but not quietened (not that he thought they ever would be). Nursey had even became less annoying. Well, he had stopped being actively annoying a while ago, recently it had just been a background hum to their own weird brand of friendship. That was not as great as it sounded though, the bickering at least gave Will a reason to ignore how hot Nursey made him feel inside, how easily he could make Will fall over his words with one lazy, knowing, well timed dimpled grin.

 Being mad at him made it easier for Will to pretend that Derek Nurse was not the most attractive person he had ever known because then he could never have his heart broken when Nursey found someone as bright and beautiful as he was to love and love him back. Someone who could understand and support him, someone with enough patience for him, someone who could be with him without a little voice in their head telling them that they were not good enough. And Will would never resent Nursey for finding that because you want your best friend to be happy most of all, don’t you?

 

                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_X_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

 

 The sound of someone talking on the stairs made Will turn down his music, looking down at Cait who was giving him all the good gossip about the love-hate quadrangle going on in her Genetics class. She paused, frowning at him before she caught the bass notes of a guy talking somewhere close by and leant back on the beanbag to try and hear better.

 Will tried to do this when the Haus was either empty or everyone was busy and the only other people in the Haus right now were Jack and Bitty and they would be happily ensconced in the kitchen for ages, if either of them were needed Bitty would just text them, but even so Will knew not to depend on anyone on this team being predictable. The footfall on the landing was heavy so it could be Jack coming to get something from Bitty's room in which case they could carry on, but that voice did not sound like Jack's.

 Cait scrambled to her feet “It’s Nursey!” She whispered like the music and all the lights on did not make it obvious someone was in his room.

“What are you doing?” Will whispered back, caught up in the moment.

“He’s going to knock on the door.”

“You don’t know that!” Cait gave him a _please_ look just as the hammering started. “ _Shit_ ” Will hissed, pulling off his blouse and leggings before janking on the sweater she shoved at him before fumbling with his jeans, Nursey still banging on the door. “Jesus Chirst Nurse give me a minute, fucks sake!”

“You want me to do a countdown?”.

“You don’t have the patience to count down from sixty!” Dex bitched back and he heard Derek laugh, tugging his jeans up and jumping a little when Cait ran her fingers through his hair. “What…”

“You look like you’ve been fucking." 

“Oh…” Will blushed, looking down at Cait who was also blushing and then realised he had just stripped in front of her. “Fuck I’m sorry…”

“I’m gonna split before this looks super suspicious. I shoved your clothes in your wardrobe you’ll need to hang them up properly later on.” She paused just before the bathroom door and shot a grin at him. “And don’t worry about the free show.”

“ _Caitlin Farmer!”_ He hissed as she hopped through the door with an unrepentant grin.

 They had never been luckier than on that day two years ago when Chris had fallen on her in the quad.

 Dex opened the door, knowing he was fidgeting awkwardly as he shoved his hair out of his eyes and ruined all Cait’s good work to neaten it. “What?” He snapped, still feeling ruffled, and then felt bad because Nursey looked a little less bright than usual, a heaviness in his posture that Will only saw after hard loses.

“Prof was handing out European choc and I got you some.” He sounded like himself, cool and confident, his expression softening as Will looked at him.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Nursey held out his hand that had three shiney red and silver wrapped chocolates sat in the palm.

 Will was beaming, feeling a little off kilter in a good way because shit, no one had ever brought him chocolates before. _He hasn’t, no one would, don’t delude yourself_   hissed the vicious little voice in his head.

 Okay, these were not _Chocolates_ but Nursey had thought of him enough to take them, to come and find him to give them too him, and he felt like that meant a lot more than the most expensive box of chocolates. “Aww dude! Thank you!” Was how he articulated all that, holding out his hands for Nursey to tip the chocolates into. “You wanna come in?" 

“Sure.”

 Will sat down heavily on his pillows, tucking his legs underneath him so Nursey could sprawl out on the rest of his bed like he always did. He dropped the chocolates in front of him, running his hands exactly four times over his soft comforter before unwrapping one.

 The perfect sphere of creamy brown chocolate sitting in his hand was considered carefully, Will aware Nursey was watching him as he popped it in to his mouth. It was rich, richer than any chocolate he had eaten before, the shell breaking easily under his teeth and the filling melting in the heat of his mouth and flooding it with smooth, creamy chocolate. He smiled at Nursey. “Holy fuck that is amazing!”

“Right?” Will picked one up and held it out to Nursey who shook his head as he pushed Will’s hand back towards him. “They’re for you.”

 Will narrowed his eyes. “What have you done?”

“Nothing.”

“What do you want?”

 Will thought Nursey blushed but it was always hard to tell on literally anyone not as pale as him. “I can be nice for no reason fuck you.” Nursey said indignantly, turning his attention to the ceiling. “Thought you’d like ‘em is all.”

 Will stretched out a leg and poked Nursey’s arm with his toe, a laugh startled out of him Nursey grabbed his ankle in his big warm hand. Then it dawned on him that his painted nails were right in Nursey’s face. He must have seen them before in the locker room or around the Haus but now they were right there, a great opener for Nursey to ask the questions he knew everyone had about them or his hair.

 The air between them hung heavily as Nursey looked at his foot, tenderly stroking his thumb over Will's ankle bone and he was in serious danger of chubbing when Nursey let his foot go.

“I like them a lot, thank you.” He said to break the silence. 

“S’all right, glad you do.”

 They went quiet again, Nursey still looking a little out of sorts. WIll caught the smell of dinner cooking, the tinkle of Bitty’s laugh, and thought he knew what this was about. Zimbits were a delightful couple, really good for one another, but sometimes they could be a bit much for Nursey.“So...what were Jack and Bitty up to?”

“Nothing.” Nursey said quickly, apparently the sight of Bitty backing Jack up into the counter that one time was still fresh in his mind. “They were quietly being Goals in blissful harmony. They’re making dinner for everyone, Lard’s and Shit’s are coming over as well.”

“Oh cool.” Shitty coming over should have Nursey being all excited and annoyingly Andover-y, not in this funk. “...Bitty didn’t forget you don’t eat pork again did he?”

“He’d never forget about that ever again he was so mortified.” He sighed. “Nah, its chicken pot pie. S’chill.”

“You don’t like chicken pot pie." 

“I know.”

“You always eat it when Bitty cooks it.”

“What do you want me to do, refuse? You’d have thrown it at me if I’d done that Freshman year.”

“Yeah probably.” Will shifted so his chin was leant on his fist. “What I meant was you always happily eat it, what's got you down about it now?” It was not the smoothest way to get Nursey to talk about what was wrong, but it worked, Nursey rolling onto his side so he could look at Will.

“I wanted to show you how to make my mom’s lemon and olive chicken tagine. I think you’d really like it and I was looking forward to eating it but now I’m not getting it, and I don’t have the energy to deal with Jack and Bitty being the Perfect Couple™ right now. I want to sulk but I know I’m far too old for that and it’s stupid to be so bothered by it anyway.”

 There was a beat of silence while Will tried not to smile. Freshman him would have been beside himself that he had gotten Nursey to admit he was bothered enough about stuff to sulk, Junior him was touched Nursey would admit it to him.

 “Is that why you have a jar of preserved lemons in the attic?” Will asked instead. He had not brought it up when he first spotted them because he made a point to ignore half the shit Nursey collected in his room for his own sanity. 

“Got Mom to send them.”

 Nursey sounded so disappointed that Will wanted to reach out to him, but instead he made his best effort to fix this for him because fixing stuff is what he did. “Ollie and Wicks won’t be out tonight, they don’t have enough money, so they might let us use their kitchen. Especially if we give them our places at Bitty’s dinner, they’d never turn down free food.”

 Nursey sat up so quickly he almost slid off the bed. “How are we gonna get out of dinner? What is dramatic enough to convince them we need to miss apple pie but not serious enough to get everyone involved? They already think you’re being- and I quote- ‘squirrely’.”

“I’m being _what_?”

“Something to do with parcels that came? Bitty's mother-henning because midterms are stressing him out, you know how it is.”

 He knew his changes in behaviour had been noticed, he was not really trying to hide it that much, but knowing the guys were talking about it threw him for a moment. “We can...uh...we both took that Culture and Identity class, just say you missed an email about extra credit assignment in for Monday? Gotta run to the library, tell them we’ll grab something in the dining hall?”

“ _Mashallah_ Dexy! Call Ollie and see what he says. I was gonna postmates the rest of the ingredients anyway.”

 And that is how twenty minutes later Will was running out of the Haus with a jar of preserved Lemons shoved in his backpack, Nursey with a fucking Tagine in his, feeling like they were spies smuggling stolen equipment out past the guards of a top secret base, Will looking just annoyed enough to make Nursey’s guilty face convincing.

“I cannot believe we’re sneaking out of dinner to make dinner!” Will laughed once they were halfway down the street, thrilled at the ridiculousness of this moment. “Lardo totally did not believe us.”

“She’d not believe us even if we told her the truth, dude.” Nursey said as he threw an arm over Will’s shoulders, his sparkle returned.

“Just think, in five years this’ll be one of our college stories.” Will grinned, tucking his bangs back off his face as he looked up at Nursey’s who’s eyes were so bright with mischief and joy it took a lot not to lean in and kiss him. “This better be worth it!”

“Worth it? This is a delicacy where my grandparents are from. **Delicacy** . You are gonna taste what people pay like thirty bucks for, for free. _And_ more authentic!”

“I suppose being your friend does have it perks.”

“Rude. Me being your friend _is_ the perk.”

 

                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_X_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

“You should tell one of the Hausmates.” Cait advised one evening as they hurried back through the icy fog from the Murder Stop-and-Shop with marshmallows and whipped cream for the crazy hot chocolate Bitty was planning. “This isn’t me getting bored of you or anything, please don’t think that, I love hanging out with you. I just don’t want you to become isolated from your friends in this. They’ll start snooping soon, you know what they're like, and it’s better to tell people things like this on your own terms? Right?”

 Will had always found it easier to be vulnerable, when he allowed himself to be vulnerable, in front of his female friends. Guys were...you showed them a weakness and it was open season, it was just how it was at his Middle School. And he knew the guys were not like that, that Jack and Shitty’s mantra of ‘got your back’ was still imprinted on the team, it was just a little scary to go against everything he had learnt the hard way in school.

 But let it never be said that Billy Poindexter had ever backed down from a challenge! This was something he always knew he would have to do, and he knew it had gotten to the point where someone in the Haus should know, it was not fair to keep putting this all on Cait.

“Yeah, you’re right. Better my life doesn’t devolve into some teen drama.”

“But not if you don’t want to. I just thought I should say that it might be an idea.”

“I know Cait, thanks.” He picked up his arm as she shuffled in closer to him. “You’re a serial body heat thief just like your boyfriend.”

“You have to use your powers of super high body heat for good, Dex! I’m Latina I’m not made for this!” He glanced down to find her grinning up at him, rolling his eyes as he turned his attention back to the path. “You know you look happier now Dex, a lot happier. Not that you looked unhappy before, but there is a difference. I’m so pleased for you.”

 Will buried his face in his scarf to hide his blush, warmth spreading through him that how centered he was starting to feel was beginning to show. “I’m really glad I asked you for help.”

“Me too. Oh my god it’s just got more cold. Fuck it I’m running the rest of the way!” Cait made to sprint off but paused to grab Will by the wrist so she could drag him along behind her. “How can you all live like this!?”

 

 Bitty. That was who Will decided to tell first. He felt bad choosing him over Chris and Nursey, but he could not face telling them both at the same time and he did not want one to know before the other. He was closer to Nursey, but Chris was his neighbour and Cait...it was just easier to tell Bitty. Besides, Bitty knew when to be measured and although he loved them dearly neither Chris nor Nursey were capable of that.

 A weekend came up where Chris and Cait were going to watch the Sharks play in Buffalo, Nursey off to New York to visit an auntie who had just had a baby, and Bitty was set to come back from Providence early Sunday afternoon as Jack had to fly out to Florida. That would allow Will a day and a morning to psych himself up and give him the deadline of the other two coming home to get it over with.

 Word’s had never really been his thing. He had a perfectly well rounded vocabulary and some of the best grammar in his middle school, he just used it very economically which did not always help him get his meanings across. Actions usually did better for him in situations like this so he decided showing would be a part of his telling.

 After a luxuriously warm shower that Sunday morning he got dressed in his favourite pair of satiny high-waisted lavender grey pants with a bow at the side that made his hockey butt look amazing, tucking in a black polar-neck and tugging the sleeves down until they were almost touching his thumbs. He thought he looked kinda 1950’s with his longer hair and red toe nails, a smudge of shimmer on his eyelids, and then laughed joyously at himself in the bathroom mirror.

 He felt so light pottering around, baking some bread and doing his washing during the provings, dancing around to the music thumping out of the Beats Pill Nursey had very generously got him for his last birthday, contented in a way he did not really feel all that often.

 “Don’t fake it baby, lay the real thing on me.” Will sang gently to himself as he hopped up the basement stairs, peering around the pile of his dried clothes so he didn’t trip on the warm, rough wooden steps, feeling the grit and dust on them between his bare toes. “The church of man, love, is such a holy place to be. Make me baby! Make me know you really care…”

 Bitty was there in the kitchen, bent over to look at the bread in the oven, bag in the kitchen doorway and hat on the table.

 Will was strangely not panicked by this turn of events, glad he did not have to go through that moment of opening his door to face Bitty, that this happened so naturally. This was not something to do a big reveal about, it was just clothes. This was something good and calming in his life that he did not want to get ruined by mixing anxiety in with it.

“Hey Bit’s.” He said, smiling awkwardly over the top of his clothes when Bitty looked at him. “Nice weekend?”

“Wonderful!” Bitty exclaimed with a sigh as he spun on his heels. “Getting here in time to eat fresh bread is the cherry right on the top. And you did washing! Why couldn’t you have lived here last year? You know I had to _tell_ Rans  & Holster the dryer was broken because they let their washing pile so high!”

“Boy’s _are_ gross.” Will confirmed, stepping further into the kitchen, unsure if Bitty had noticed, was ignoring it, or if this was not actually a surprise. _No-one would be surprised that you’re a freak._

“Well, I’ve been in art studios and those girls do not wash up as much as they should!” Bitty said sagely, moving to pick his hat up off the table when he shot a double take at Will, flicking his gaze down over his pants to his feet and then back up again to his eyes as Will put his washing down on the table so Bitty could see all of him. “Those are some very nice pants, Dex.”  

“Cait helped me pick them out. It’s why I don’t look like a trashbag.” He said nervously, running his hands down the side of his pants before clenching his fists and shoving them in his pockets.

“You never look like a trashbag!” Bitty said firmly. “We umm - we all noticed when you had your toes painted, and that you weren’t cuttin’ your hair - which suits you by the way - and we didn’t want to push you to tell us anything...or to assume things.” He said in a way that clearly meant some things had been assumed. Will was surprised to find out he did not really care.

“I think Shitty would call it ‘exploring my gender identity’ or something like that.”

 Bitty nodded, clearly wanting to ask more but reigning himself back in which Will appreciated, there was a good chance he would not know the answers to a lot of the questions anyway.  “Well I hope y’all have somethin’ in purple, that’ll make you look real pretty.”

 Pretty. That again. It made him bristle. Both Cait and Bitty had said it and he wanted to demand why that was what people thought this was about. But they were having a nice moment, this had gone well, he still felt light and calm, so he let it be for now as he scooped up his washing again. “I’ll keep my eye out next time I go clothes shopping.”

“Ohhh tell me when you’re going and I’ll come with you. I miss having Rans as a shopping buddy.” Bitty’s eyes were sparkling, no doubt planning the whole thing out already, but then remembered himself with a faint clearing of his throat.  “But only if y’all want too, of course.”

“Sure, if you make mini blueberry pies.”

“Like I _need_ the excuse.” Bitty said, hefting up his bag and leading up the stairs. “If I can get around you in the kitchen, that is.”

“You love having a baking rookie.”

“I do. I know my kitchen will be in safe hands for two more years at least. God knows _what_ they’ll do to my Betsy when you graduate!”

 

                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_X_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

 Will had to find a clip or some sort or sweatband thing; he would take the endless chirping for it with grace because sometimes the chirps were actually funny and his sweaty hair constantly falling into his eyes was just fucking irritating.

 He jumped up from the last burpee of his set with a loud groan because they sucked, shoving his hair back off his forehead as he began pacing away the pain, sucking in the humid air of the gym that just seemed to make everything hurt more.

 Working out was his least favourite part of playing Hockey, he endured it for love of the game but he would rather not put himself through this in the sweat soaked heat of in-closed spaces with a load of grunting, stinky dudes. He was too used to doing physical things outside with the cool sea breeze on his face; spring and autumn was what he longed for, when they took working out outside and he could go for endless runs in the  fresh air and have the freedom to stop and go when he pleased.

 Will grumbled as he had to push his hair out of his eyes yet again, tugging his t-shirt up to wipe his face on, breathing into the damp fabric to try and clear his head. He let his shirt fall, not bothering to pull it all the way back down as he stretched out his back, glancing up and catching Nursey daydreaming in the reflection of the mirrors. 

“Nursey!” He called. “Nurse!”

Pale eyes blinked, sliding up to meet Will’s gaze in the mirror. He said nothing as he looked back at Will with his usual indistinct expression, gaze flicking down briefly before looking back at up again, something in his eyes making Will’s already hot face flush more.

“Why are you being weird?” He muttered, scrubbing at his face to hide his blush as he turned towards Ollie and Wicks who were definitely racing to see who could finish their bench dips first. “You two are going to injure yourselves you know that?”

“Sorry coach.”

“Won’t do it again coach.”

“What shall we do instead coach?” They chirped, not breaking rhythm.

“Oh no coach I’m injured I need to miss six games!” Will mimicked back, waiting for them to stop before filling his hand with some water to flick at them.

“You’re a shit Poindexter!”

“You love me really.” He grinned, ducking his head when Ollie wrapped his arms around him to jostle him.

“We love our Billy P, long ang-er-y boi. What you gotta do next?”

“Pull ups.”

“Cool, I’ll do dead lifts and bitch at you.”

 Will sat down on the pull up bench while Ollie loaded more weights onto it for him, blowing his hair out of the way as he reached up to grab the bar that was still warm from where Bitty had been using it. He pulled a face, no worse feeling than someone else's warmth on a bit of public equipment.

“You should get some weight’s gloves.” Ollie said in passing as he turned away to stretch out his arms, obviously having spotted Will’s expression. “They’re a lifesaver for your hands.”

 Will’s grip on the bar tightened, feeling his callouses against the warm metal as patches of numb nothingness on his skin. _Your hands are a wreck._ That unwanted voice whispered in his head. _Hard and incapable of gentleness, that’s what you are. Too stupid to do anything about it either, have to have fucking Ollie telling you. Because he pities you._

 Will gasped, letting the bar go like it burnt him and shot to his feet, his chest so tight he could not quite manage to breathe out.  “Just gonna be a second.” He said in a rush, managing not to trip over his feet as he walked quickly from the room, noticing how painfully hot his face was when he hit the cooler air of the corridor, counting the thirty-two steps that took him to the locker room door and through to the bench at the back where the Hockey team always got changed.

 He sat down heavily, looking up at the damp patch on the ceiling as he counted to thirty-two again, imagining the path he had just taken to try and drown out the faint voice telling him that he was _Stupid and rough and a wimp. Can’t even pull some weights. You shouldn’t be at this college or on this team._

“Dex?” A breathless voice said next to him and he flinched, curling in on himself, balling his hands into fists because he could not bare for anyone to touch them right now. “Shit Dex, can you look at me please? Please, Dex?”

 Against his better judgement Dex looked across at Nursey who was crouched down next to him, face pinched in concern, silver-green eyes looking at him so intently Will could not look away even if he wanted to. “Nursey” He whispered, barely resisting when gentle palms cupped around his fists and pulled them between them.

“I’m right here Will, not going anywhere. How’s your breathing? Do you need me to breathe with you?”

“I…”

“It’s okay. In with me, out with me. In, out. In, out.” His voice was so rich and smooth, the perfect voice for a poet Will had always thought, so expressive that if he wanted to words just became the ambience noise for what he could make you feel with just his voice. “There you are. There you are Will that’s it. Wonderful breathing there bro. Just gonna get you some water okay? I won’t be far.”

 Nursey kept up a stream of soothing chatter as he rifled through Chris’ bag for the extra water bottle he kept in there, Will tuning out the words to just let his voice wash over him. Eight times out of ten what Nursey was saying was fucking annoying, but Will knew he could be enthralled by him reading out the NCAA rule book. He thought he heard Whiskey speaking and tried not to curl in on himself, listening to the whispers of Nursey telling him it was under control, the faint bang of the door as Whiskey left. 

“That was Whisk’s coming to check if you were okay.” Nursey said as he sat down next to Will, pressing a bottle into his hands. “What did Ollie say to you?”

“Nothing.” Will muttered as he chugged down some water. 

“Nothing or nothing nothing?”

“What does that even mean?”

“Did he say something to make you like this or was it something else.

“It’s….overall it’s something else”

“Wanna tell me about it?”

“Things just get a bit much sometimes, and something small can tip you over the edge.” Will looked up at Nursey and did not try to smile. “I’ll be fine.”

“Will you be fine in the long run?”

 Will laughed at that, wasn’t that the question every person on the planet wanted to know the answer to? “I’m working on it.”

 Nursey’s fingers ran down his arm to rest lightly on the back of Will’s hand, nearly making him choke on the breath he was trying even out, gaze snapping away from Nursey’s so he did not give himself away. “You need my help, any help, you hit me up Will. I’m serious.”

 Will forced himself under control and sat up straighter. “I will Nursey, I promise.” He smiled when Nursey slung his strong arm over Will’s shoulders, pulling him against his hot, solid, sweaty body for a one armed hug.

“You’re my best fucking friend, and I got your back no matter what. You feeling better now? Wanna go back in or hit the showers? If you wanna hit the shower’s we could beat the guys to the dining hall and get all the crispy bits on the Mac&Cheese.”

“You don’t have to…” 

“I do, it says so in the D-man code Ransom carved onto the attic ceiling.” Nursey held on tight when Will tried to shove him. “I know I don’t, Dexy, but I’m going to anyway.”

 

                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_X_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

 It was the first weekend in ages that they had nothing going on; no game, no travelling to a game, no turning out to support the SWH or SWV, no self imposed midterm curfews. Ransom and Holster would have organised a Kegster like it was nothing but Bitty and Nursey, their Kegster Successors, had neither the time nor their energy so Nursey had looked up a few of the cooler bars he knew in the Samwell area and Bitty had booked out a couple of tables at one for the Hockey team to come and go as they pleased.

 Steam needed to be blown off and Will knew that was going to happen in a BIG way, which he was not a fan of at the best of times, but the week had been long, his engineering assignment frustrating (he had built loads of radios as a kid, he knew how to do it in 3D but drawing it in 2D was the _worst_ ), so he just wanted a quiet night with himself for company.

“Bro are you seriously not coming?” Nursey asked as he picked the tomato out of his club sandwich and put it on Dex’s plate.

 Every Tuesday and Friday they got lunch together as they had free periods at the same time on those days and it had become something neither of them wanted to miss. It was a very Rans & Holtzy thing to do even though they would never be them; he doubted the frisson of their early days would never leave, and Will kind of liked the push back and the debate now that Nursey’s goal in life was no longer to jab at every one of Will’s buttons. “I’ve got like, twenty sads right now, man. They have Karaoke we could have sung Abba together!”

 Nursey was comfortable enough with Will to let out the chronic dork he tried to hide around everyone else and Will wished he would be like this more often; to let his laugh be loud, to admit he liked mainstream 70’s pop music, to info dump about some documentary he had watched late one night, to let go of that facade of Chill he put so much effort into. But Will knew there was more to it than just trying to look cool, resenting the fact that Nursey had ever needed to protect himself from the world like this, so instead he appreciated every bit of himself Nursey let him see.

 And you know, there were worse people to look at for two hours every week.

“Seriously.”

“Aww man really?” 

“Yeah.” He answered as he ate Nursey’s tomato.

“Do you have a date? I know you don’t have any work to do.”

“No.”

“Then why miss out on some prime anecdote making time in a student bar drinking shitty booze with your bros?!”

“If it was us, or not all the team, I’d go. But it’s been a long week, and none of you can help being extra or getting in some fucking trouble. I’m not in the mood.”

 Nursey pouted, but sighed, “S’chill man, do you. Yo, I saw a doc about Shepherds in England last night, their accents are mad interesting…”

 

 He spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about his blissful alone time in an empty Haus. The quiet, the peace, the not having to worry Nursey had died when there was a bang from some part of the building. He might make some cookies for the guys to eat when they came back to soak up some of the booze, would probably try on the purple dress he had bought with Bitty’s advice, would relax and centre himself for the week to come.

 Will showered again once he got home, perching on the side of the tub to shave his legs for the first time in a few weeks and taking his time rubbing lotion into them, making sure to touch his skin mainly with his fingers so the fading callouses on his palms did not drag on his newly smooth skin. Bitty was blasting his getting ready play list so Will sang along to it as he sat with this feet up on his desk to repaint his chipped toe-nails, telling himself for the one hundredth time that he really had to get something to keep his wet hair out of his eyes. He had tried loads of times as a kid to do the towel thing on his head his older sister did after washing her hair but it was genuinely beyond him.

 The bang on the door letting him know they were leaving came fifteen minutes after everyone was supposed to be out, Will tutting as he lay across his bed in his towel scrolling through Instagram - he was the only one in the Haus who had any concept of timekeeping.

“Bye guys have fun!” He yelled, not bothering to try and decipher the muffled reply shouted back in Bitty’s smooth tones. “Okay!”

 He waited for the front door to shut, then open again, Bitty to race upstairs to grab whatever he had forgotten, to run back down again and for the front door to slam shut before he got up to get dressed.

 The dress came down to just above his knees, shorter than he would have liked but the way it swung when he moved made up for it . He did not even mind the high beaded neck on it, preferring that to anything that showed his pale freckled chest, liking how the sleeves defined his arm muscles and the belted waist made his often lamented slimness look good, accentuating the curve of his ass.

 Bitty had been right, the colour did something for him but he suspected a darker shade would be better.

 Will snorted, listen to him the fashion expert!

 He put some mascara on to try and see if he liked the more feminine effect and was not sure if it felt good, still unsure of where the line was that crossed over from just being his clothes to something else. To be honest he was not even sure there was a line, but that was why he was exploring.

 Best thing to do, he decided, was to leave it for a while then come back and see what he thought about it then.

  A sense of lightness came over him as he flopped down on his bed, rubbing his smooth legs together while he fucked about on YouTube for a while, watched his siblings Snap stores, rolling onto his front to answer an email from someone in his Mechanical Engineering class, smiling at the feeling of the fabric slipping over his thighs whenever he shifted.

 He was all alone in the world as far as he was concerned, the Haus silent and still around him. It was quiet and calm in his room and in his head, a sense of peace settling on him as he did his own un-pressing, unimportant things. So when a knock came at his door Will nearly jumped out of his skin.

“Yo Dex!” Will buried his face in his comforter and groaned.  “Dex man open up. I know you ain't asleep an’ your light’s on. Come on bro.”

“What do you want!” Will yelled over his shoulder.

“Come out, just for one drink. I’ll buy it for you fam I got you.”

“No Nursey. Thank you.  Another time.”

“Deeexx. Come out.” Nursey wheedled because apparently No was not a word he had come across in all those books he read.

“Nursey! No!”

 There was silence for a moment and Will did not hope that Nursey was going to leave it. “S’not the same without you Dex. We don’t have to go where the others have gone, we’ll go somewhere quiet.”

“Fucking…” Will growled, shoving himself up and storming over to his door so he could tell Nursey to drop it to his face.

 He was already in the process of ripping the door open when he remembered what he was wearing, the door swinging open violently and leaving him standing there horrified.

 Nursey stood blinking dumbly at him with his phone held loosely in one hand and his scarf in the other, obviously trying to process what he was seeing. Will just stood there, screaming at himself to move but he was frozen in place, his heart thumping so hard he felt like he was going to be sick, his throat suddenly dry and face burning. He could tell the moment Nursey’s brain finally caught up with what he was seeing because his eyes bugged, mouth gaping slighting in understandable if ill-handled shock as he looked Will up and down, eyes catching on the beaded high collar of the _dress he was wearing_ before he looked Will in the face.

“For real, dude?” 

 All the time he had spent reading about others people’s experiences of being genderqueer or dressing androgynously, all the time spent worrying about everyone’s reactions, running through them over and over in his head when he could not sleep at night, none of that prepared him for that single harsh, blunt reaction.

 He scrambled for the door and slammed it in Nursey’s face so hard that later on he would be surprised a load of ancient plaster had not crumbled right off the ceiling.

 Shame burnt him, hurt hollowing out his chest as he firmly locked the door, a rushing noise loud in his ears so all he could hear was his fast, hiccuping breaths as he paced around the edge of the room twenty-two times which was wrong so he did it again, got twenty-six which was also wrong, finally getting twenty-four and then doing another trip around the room to make sure because if he got it wrong then Nursey would tell everyone about this and they would all laugh at him, finally coming to a halt next to his closet.

 Will looked at himself in the mirror, his bony joints and pasty skin, too broad shoulders and too thick legs. He looked down at his coarse hands through eyes swimming with tears, remembering the shock of his dad’s gnarled hands when he was little, the scrape of rope, the pain of catching his fingers in machinery, the dryness of his face after having sea spray in his face all day.

  He could never be this soft thing. Boy’s like him did not get to be like that, they had to be hard and sharp and rough and prickly. _This was stupid, you were stupid to try and change, to be something else than what you are. He’s just done you a favour by stopping it now before you made am even bigger fool of yourself._

 A sob wracked his throat as he tore through his cupboards looking for a bag, ripping his closet open to begin stuffing all the soft coloured, delicate clothes into it.

 Nursey looked good, always looked good, had looked amazing while he casually humiliated him, shattered this little part of himself Will had tried to build. _Boring and functional, that’s all you’re good for._

 Through his humiliation what was thick and dark and smothering, making him want to gag, something outside his window caught his attention, whipping around just in time to see Nursey almost slip off the Reading Room.

 He may have hurt him deeply but Will was not going to let Nursey fall to his death (mainly because he would have to explain the situation to Police, the team, Nursey’s parent’s). He threw the bag down and crawled across is bed to slam the window open - just because he was not going to let Nursey die it did not mean he had to like it.

 “What the fuck are you doing?!” He yelled, startling Nursey so he nearly slipped again.

 “Apologising.”

 “Get in here!” Will snapped, sliding off his bed as he shoved his hair off his face and wiped at his eyes to try and hide the tears, coming away with mascara smudged all over the back of his hands, clenching them at his sides while he watched from the middle of the room as Nursey scrambled through the window with zero grace. “Now get out!” He barked, jabbing a finger at the door.

“Will, I am sorry. I did not mean it like that.” Nursey gushed, hands held out placatingly, curling his shoulders over so he looked smaller than he was. “I was shocked. I’m still shocked. It doesn’t excuse my tone or..or what I said, but it is the reason for it.”

 “Nursey.” Will growled in warning, he may be wearing a dress but if Nursey thought that meant he was not going to physically chuck him out of his room he was sorely mistaken.

“I meant it like - Is this for real? Has the mold in the attic got me hallucinating? I am so sorry. I'm sorry I know this before you were ready to tell me. Fuck Dex, I am so sorry.” He sounded it, a little tremor in his voice Will had never thought he was capable of. _He’s not sorry, he’s laughing at you._ “Hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do. You mean the world to me, you know that right?” Will did not. They were friends, best friends maybe, but he never really thought… “You want me to get out I am gone. But, Dex- If this is you, then I think it’s pretty great, and I am behind you, and will do anything I can to make up any hurt I have caused. ‘Cause I’m a fucking idiot that can never ever say the right things.”

 Nursey was looking at him intently, a hit of desperation in his eyes, panic, and Will let his tension go, unclenching his fingers, watching as Nursey moved cautiously closer to him. “I am very hurt.” He admitted, feeling a petty surge of satisfaction when Nursey’s expression crumpled. “You hurt me Derek.”

 He was close enough that Will could smell his cologne, it spread warmth through him and he let it, anything was better than the hollow wet feeling in his chest. Nursey raised a large hand, keeping his eyes locked on Will’s as he wiped at the wetness on his hot cheek, moving his thumb to swipe away the run mascara under his eyes. There was a faint bump on the tip of Nursey’s thumb that came from insisting on hand writing everything and it dragged slightly against Will’s skin. It made him shudder, eyes slipping closed, knowing he had given everything away in that moment.

“I always wondered if your face was as soft as it looked.” Nursey said quietly, stunning Will. “I’m an idiot. You look beautiful.”

 He jerked his head back, lingering anger making it easy for irritation to bubble up. “I don’t wear these clothes to look beautiful, or sexy. It’s not a sex thing. I do it cause it feels nice. Good...Right.”

 “I’m really happy that it does.” Nursey gave him a small half smile, letting his hand drop. “But you should know that purple on you is sickening...Not- the slang it means…"

“I know what you meant.”

 Nursey gave him an impenetrable look, cocking his head and angling his body towards him a way that made Will’s ears heat. “Wanna talk about it?”

 He did. He really did. He wanted to bounce his thoughts and feelings off someone who was not Cait. She was fantastic and they talked a lot but he needed to unload onto another person for her sake as much as his, she had done enough for him already. Bitty was treating this like it was not weird at all - which it wasn’t- but that meant he acted like there was nothing to discuss. Will did not really want to talk to him anyway, he wanted to talk to Nursey about this. He just wished the circumstances where he finally got to had been more under his control.

“Okay.”

 He perched on the side of the bed, pulling the hem of the dress over his knees as he did not want Nursey to see the boring black briefs he had on underneath even though they had shared a locker room for almost three years now. Nursey looked at the desk chair, then the floor, then sat down facing him on the other end of the bed.

“Where did you get that from by the way, it looks really fancy?”

“Goodwill.” Will answered, reaching up to touch the beads at his neck before letting his hands fall in his lap, smoothing them over the fabric of the dress four times exactly.

“Seriously?! You wanna be my personal shopper, it takes me like, three trips for me to find anything in there. Wait, no I take that back you’d just get me fucking awful things ‘cause you’re a troll.”

“That does not sound like me at _all_." 

“Psssshh, don’t even try it, man. So - is this why you and Farmer are suddenly best bros?”

“Yeah, I asked her for help ‘cause she’s does sports. Knows more about broad bodies and stuff.” He kicked his legs out and wiggled his toes. “She gave me that too. And some make up she was gonna chuck out that I could play about with. Experiment.”

“I noticed the red toes. Thought it was a lost bet first time round.”

“And later on?”

 Nursey shrugged. “To assume makes an ass out of you and me.”

“Very clever, we’ve all seen that movie.” 

“Yeah, and?”

 Will shook his head. “I like having my toes painted. I don’t have a foot thing or anything, but I like how it looks. The make-up I’m kinda...I don’t wanna look like a woman, that’s not what I want, that’s not what this is about. No internalised misogyny, nothing like that, I just wanna...I wanna be and express _my_ self. ”

 He glanced over at Nursey who was nodding. “I get you. I’ve worn eyeliner and lipgloss before when I went out in Boston freshman year, ‘cause gender is a social construct and all that.” He gave one of his noncommittal shrugs.  “It’s not the same as this is for you, but I get it.”

 Will didn’t. He had no idea what it was like to let himself be so casual about anything. He was not dwelling on that though because his mind was providing an image of Nursey’s plush, soft lips shining subtly with the gloss, pale almond eyes made more intense with some smudges of eyeliner. “Wish I’d seen that.”

“If you’re lucky I might resurrect that look.” Nursey grinned lazily, eyes sparkling for a moment with mischief. “Woah, you have crazy long eyelashes bro, I never noticed them before.”

“It’s mascara.” 

“I love it.” Nursey murmured, resting his chin on his hand. “Tell me what you wanna express?”

 Will raised an eyebrow at him, not expecting Nursey to be so head on about this but then again not really surprised. This was the guy that took tenured professors to task over some problematic view or lazy attitude they had with a direct fierceness that stayed with Will.

“That I’m more than these.” He held out his hands, palms up so they could both see the faint yellow callouses at the base of his fingers, the scars, the weathered patches. “Sometimes, not all the time, when I feel my own hands on me it’s all those years of hard work and determination and exhaustion all over again. I have to confront all my anxieties and hang ups about me not...that I shouldn’t be here at Samwell, that all I’m good for is manual work because I had to put blood and sweat into getting here and it’s left me with these hands. And it’s fucking exhausting. It’s exhausting having my temper and being _that_ guy but I’m not, I know it sometimes must seem like I am but I know I'm not. That guy does not have fuzzy bed socks or cry at Pixar movies or like flowers or still have his little knitted sheep from when he was a kid or whatever. I’m more than that.”  He took a deep breath, feeling a little winded by the nervous rush to say all that before the words left him. “Half the time what I feel is not this definite male thing that is assumed all boys are. And I want to show that. I’m calmer now, more centred I guess. Thought about it for ages but I do have a stick up my ass as you liked to tell me.”

 Nursey had the good grace to look a little abashed as he whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“S’okay.” And it almost was, no-one had ever cared enough to face his temper just so they could apologise to him, let alone climb across a roof to do it.

 Nursey reached out to run a finger over Will’s palm. “I like your hands.” He said, as he tangled their fingers together, grinning up at Will when he barked out a nervous laugh.

“Did all that make sense? Articulating half that stuff isn’t very easy.”

“I did, it did. I understood. Will, I’ve got your back and I’m sorry again for being the literal worst. That you’re feeling able to express yourself and like, explore this, is really great. It’s amazing. I’m proud of you.” His gaze shifted over to the bag in front of the open closet, clothes spilling out of it from where Will had dropped it. “Were you gonna throw all that out ‘cause of what I said?”

 Will cleared his throat and nodded. “Yeah.”

  Nursey’s hand tightened around his own as he brought it up to meet his mouth, pressing his lips to Will’s knuckles. He did not tremble as he watched Nursey cradle his hand so gently but it was a close thing. “Can’t believe you can bare to have me touching you like this after I did that.” He whispered, the feel of warm lips brushing over his skin forcing out a high pitched sound from Will’s chest, blinking rapidly when Nursey’s pale, pale eyes glanced up at him through his thick lashes.

“I like it.” He admitted, having to look away when Nursey smiled genuinely up at him, showing the slight gap in his front teeth that the best dentists in NYC had not been able to fully close and that Will adored.

“I like you.”

“I…” Will paused, letting what just happened over the past, what- half an hour?- wash over him. His life had become a fucking Indie college movie. Which should not be a surprise, everything Nursey did was like an indie movie. “...I like you too.”  Nursey’s smile widened, crinkling his nose in a way that made Will’s heart feel like it was about to swell out of his chest. “But this - I - am still feeling my way. This all might all be totally different in six months from now, a year…”

 “We’d never have made fire let alone have gotten to the moon if what if’s held us back. We’ll talk everything out as it comes. I’m in this for _you_.”

 Will was not sure what to say to that, beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed.“I’m gonna tidy before everything gets creased.” He said but made no move to get up until his hand was carefully placed back down on the comforter.

 Nursey helped him hang his clothes up again, shaking out any wrinkles from the immaculately kept fabric as he declared that Will needed a crop top to continue the Samwell tradition.

“I’m fine thanks.”

“Should have known by now you’re too classy for that. These pants have a bow on them? That is wicked cute.”

“Right?”

“Guys stuff should have more bows. What’s inherently feminine about a fancy knot?”

“Shitty is feeling really proud right now somewhere in Harvard.”

“Shitty learnt a thing or two from me about his white privilege. He owes me this one.” Nursey grinned, hooking the pants back into the wardrobe, fingers pausing on the sleeve of the sweater hanging there that had once been his. “Can I tell you something? It may weird you out so just say if it does.”

“Half of what you say weirds me out but okay.”

“Fucker.” Nursey threw over his shoulder with little intent behind it. “When I first noticed you had stolen my sweater I was so happy that we were finally gonna get here, to me kissing your hand and us saying we like one another like high schoolers. Because stealing clothes is like a sure sign of a crush, right? But you’re so hard to read bro, and it ate me up a little ‘cause I thought you liked me and I was doing my best to let you know I liked you back but you did nothing. And I didn’t know if you hadn't noticed, if it was my personality standing in the way, or if it was because we were team mates? If it was because you did not want the baggage of me being nominally muslim or if you were just fetishising my blackness as something to lust after? They’re not nice things to say but that’s the world I live in, Dex. So I stole your t-shirt like a love sick kid to see if you would react. And you didn’t, but I couldn’t give it back cause it smelt like you. It doesn’t really smell like you now though.”

“Fuuck Nursey.” Will breathed, a bit thrown by that admission. “I...you can have another shirt, that smells of me.” Was all he could think to say right now and Nursey smiled indulgently at him.

“That’d be amazing.”

“I kinda knew, but I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t tell if you just wanted to fuck away this tension between us or wanted more. And I wanted more. But I had all this going on and shit and I didn’t want to know if it was just a fuck and scared that it was something more. I thought you deserved someone better than...”

 Nursey cut him off with an indignant splutter, losing all control over his words as he looked at Dex in outrage. “You’re...I’m...no Dex, no! You are.. _better!_ Than you? I want _you!_ You’re perfect, I...what? William! No! I want more, more than more. I want everything with you....What!”

 It was very endearing, making Dex’s chest feel tight in a pleasant way as he watched Nursey have a slight meltdown. He waited for him to garble himself out, knowing he only carried on as long as he did because he was making Will smile. The sap. "And I think you should know that I like how dark you turn in the summer - you look amazing anyway it’s just that's a good look on you...and that the light makes you go golden when it hits your cheekbones and stuff. If that is fetishing you then I will work to...”

“I think that’s just you appreciating all this chocolate goodness I got going on here.” Nursey shimmied his shoulders while grinning unrepentantly, recovered enough from his shock to be an asshole.

 Will tipped his head back and groaned. “I fucking hate you.”

“I’m going to annoy you for years, Dexy, isn’t is wonderful!” Will glared at him, stooping to pick up his skirt and shove it into Nursey’s hands, knowing he was blushing, all a flutter inside at the implication but pushing through it with his annoyance. “You know what Dex, you are a classy motherfucker under all that Maine-ness. I gotta step my Upper West Side self up or you are going to drag me just by walking into the kitchen.”

“You’re ridiculous.” Will muttered, finding himself distracted by the way Nursey’s perfectly fitted button down accentuated his trim waist and did nothing to hide the definition in his arms, biting his lip when his eyes skimmed over the neat line where his shirt was tucked into his jeans, looking away when he got to the swell of his butt.

“The truth is often ridiculous.” Nursey said and Will knew in his bones that he had been caught looking. 

 Why did he have to have mascara stained tear tracks all over his fucking face right now?!

 He kept his eyes down on the task of putting a blouse back on a hanger when he sensed Nursey stepping in closer, another spike of adrenaline making him feel hyper aware of everything while his brain got stuck on the thought that Nursey was going to kiss him, was going to back him up against the wall, was going to grind on him until they came in their underwear.

 Lips brushed Will’s cheek and he looked up, the vaguely panicked excitement turning into annoyance at that anti-climax. “Don’t be coy just because I’m wearing a dress.”

 Nursey looked surprised. “Chill. I don’t wanna push, a lot has just gone down.”

“Thanks, but all you had to do was ask. Worse I’d do is say no.”

 The eyebrow that Nursey raised was almost as dirty as the grin on his lips as he stepped in close, heat radiating off him, turning his body so their hips bumped as he leant in, tucking Will’s bangs behind his ear. “I’d kiss your cheek even if you weren’t wearing a dress.” He rumbled into Will’s ear, resting his hand on his waist and running a thumb over the soft fabric that might as well have not been there it was so thin, the weight of Nursey’s hand burning into his side. “May I kiss you?”

 Will gave him a chaste kiss, nerves making him cautious, wanting to savour the feeling of Nursey so close to him, his warmth, his smell, the feeling of his solid body under his hands, the softness of his lips against his, moaning gently when Nursey pushed forward into the kiss.

“You wanna eat something?” Will mumbled, hating to break the moment but knowing he needed to or he’d never stop kissing Nursey. 

 There was a moment where Nursey just blinked at him, looking thrown by the question, before his eyebrows shot up, eyes sparking in a way that made Will want to squirm. “Well, I’m always up for eating something tasty.” He drawled, hand moving to palm at Will’s ass.

“Nursey!” 

“I know, I know. I’m teasin’.” Nursey grinned, wrapping his arms tighter around his waist, ducking his head to run his lips over Will’s neck. “I want take my time with you anyway. Enjoy every moment I get to kiss you, to touch you, make you feel so good.”

 Will felt like he was going to shatter he was so overwhelmed by everything that had happened, adrenaline making him light headed, eyes stinging a little from the earlier tears. He was in no state to cope with Nursey turning all his flirtatious charm on him, he needed a moment or, like, five.

“Can you turn it down a bit Nursey, fucking hell.”

 He raised his head immediately, loosening his hold on Will as he gave him a suddenly serious look “Did that make you uncomfortable?” 

“Not massively...You know how ridiculously hot you are?” Nursey looked awkward and shrugged. “Yeah, I know you know you are. Well handled.”

“It’s not an easy thing to answer bro!”

“Whatever. So you’re gorgeous and a smooth son of a bitch when you want to be and I’m not used to having all that turned on me and a lot has just happened so just be less of everything for a bit so I can collect myself. Please?”

“S’fine Dex, honestly however long you need. Me holding you like this okay?" 

“Yeah.”

“Cool. Also, for the record you’re so fucking pretty. You are hot, you are really hot, and with how much softer you have been recently I have been suffering because you are a delight Dex, honestly.”

 Dex was burning, grabbing onto Nursey’s arms to try and anchor himself as he wondered how he was going to survive if this is what Nursey was like dialled back because _Jesus_ he was melting already _._ “You are so full of shit.”

 The muscles under his arms tensed and Will glared at Nursey as he waggled his eyebrows at him. “Like my muscles, huh?”

“You are the worst person in the world.” Dex groaned as he pulled himself out of Nursey’s arms, faintly missing the press of their weight around him. “Do you want me to make you food or not?”

“Ch’yeah. You’re not gonna wear that, what if it gets ruined?”

“I’m gonna get changed. Fuck off downstairs and wait for me.”

“All right grumpy.” Nursey kissed his cheek and went to leave, looking back at Will once he was through the door. “I can’t wait to kiss the hell out of you after dinner habibi.”

 Will blushed but did not look away. “Me neither.”

 Nursey beamed and closed the door behind him, Will pressing his fingertips to his lips as he listened to Nursey almost fall down the stairs again.

“Well.” He said to the shell shocked reflection of himself blinking out at him from the mirror. “That fucking happened.”

 

                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_X_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

 The morning after him and Nursey had finally somehow managed to get together with all the yelling and tears and ridiculousness that was always going to come with that, Will made his way through the shared bathroom to knock on Chris’ door again, leaning on the frame with panda eyes from his poorly removed mascara, skirt on and fiddling nervously with the sleeves of his Senator’s hoodie.

 Chris looked at him, looked at the skirt, then looked him right in the eyes with his goalie gaze. “You need a Sharks jumper to go with that. Not only are they a much better team but it’s turquoise and that’s a Sharks colour.” His eyes widened. “Did you buy it because it’s a Sharks colour?”

“Farmer said it would look good.” Will admitted, smiling when Chris’ face broke into a beaming grin.

“That’s why you and Cait have been best buddies! Dex!” He leapt up and bundled Will into a hug he had no choice but to accept. “I’m so happy she could help you out and be there for you.” He stepped back, suddenly looking earnest. “What are your pronouns?”

“I just wear skirts and shit now.” 

“Okay. You ever want me to call you anything else and I will. When are you gonna tell Nursey?”

“He uh...kinda found out by accident last night. S’why I’m telling you now. I wasn’t gonna tell one of you and not the other.”

 Chris nodded, smile small and sincere but not lacking in any of his usual warmth. “Are you happy now Dex? Happier?”

“More balanced.”

 Chris grabbed his arm, shaking him slightly. “That’s brilliant Dex. Really. Dude. Amazing. Does Bitty know?”

“Yeah.”

“Then let’s go tell him everyone knows and we can have ‘Screw the social construct of gender’ pancakes!” He said it so seriously Will could not help laughing. “What?” 

“Nothing, nothing C.” He slung an arm around him. “Just really happy right now.”

  And that was it really, he spent most of his time in jeans and shirts like always, just sometimes he wore a dress to sprawl out on the couch and yell at a DIY show, or thump some dough around while wearing soft pink pyjama pants with ice creams on them. The team mostly just ignored it, if anyone did say anything they either had to deal with Will face on, Bitty withholding pie, or on one memorable occasion Whiskey dragging someone into the basement to yell at them for five minutes straight.

 Probably because everyone was concentrating on their first line D-man kicking his way out of socially defined gendered clothing the guys did not notice the fact he was now dating their other first line D-man.  Even when Nursey stumbled out of Will’s room at eight am and walked into Bitty (Bitty!) no one suspected. The team were not even playing it cool either - Will could tell because Tango would have given it away in a heartbeat. Ollie had even tried to set Will up at a party which had been fucking hilarious because Nursey had been the most pissy, unchill dude ever about it.

 Will found himself smiling into his pillow at night sometimes, so happy that he had had the luck to find this group of weirdo’s that wanted to be his friend. So happy that Nursey liked him enough to get up half an hour before his alarm some days just to come and climb into his bed so they could cuddle. So happy he could let himself be cuddled. He had not known how much he had wanted to be held, how starved he was for someone to touch him until he had Nursey’s knees fitting against the backs of his own, Nursey’s heavy arm a comforting weight over him, Nursey’s warm breath tickling the back of his neck.

 A couple of weeks after it all came out, everything just beginning to settle down, Will shuffled into the kitchen in his fuzzy bed socks, still in his boxers and ratty sleep t-shirt to find Jack making breakfast with practised quietness. “Good game Tursday, eh? That last goal sucked.” He greeted as Will slid over the linoleum to stand next to him at the counter.

“Sucked is one word for it.”

“Bitty tell’s me you’re becoming a worthwhile successor to his kitchen.”

 Will shrugged. “It’s just following instructions.”

 Jack laughed quietly. “You would say that. Come on, help me out and you can have some. I gotta get back for afternoon skate, gonna eat these eggs then take some up for Bittle.”

“You’re lucky we got a new dryer or I’d fine you for that.”

 They ate the ham and green onion omelettes with thick brown toast while chatting amicably about both of their Hockey seasons racing towards the end, Jack being one of the first people not to bring up Will’s life choice just to assure him they were cool with it. It was not because he did not know (he was dating Bitty), so it was either exposure to Shitty (possibly) or because it was not a factor that mattered in any way to Hockey or to his relationship with Bitty (most likely).

 Nursey came racing down the stairs about half an hour after he had fallen back to sleep after Will had poked him awake and was now almost late for his lecture. He spotted Will as he hopped around putting his shoe on and ran into the kitchen to swipe some toast off his plate. “You look adorable, habibi.” He announced around the slice, smacking a firm, buttery kiss to his cheek before running out the front door.

 Will wiped at his cheek absentmindedly, staring after Nursey, despairing of how much he liked that disaster.

 He suddenly remembered he was not alone and glanced across the table at Jack who was looking right at him, forkful of omelette placed neatly back onto his plate. “Bitty want’s a new couch so I think that’s a fine don’t you, eh?”

 

                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_X_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

“Hey, so. You know we’re going Farmer’s Volleyball game tonight?” Will asked as he swung into the kitchen with the nonchalant acceptance of a man who had lost one too many times to Tango’s slightly unsettling skill at Mario Kart, leaving him and Chris to yell at one another over the Maple track or wherever the carnage was now taking place.

“I should think the amount of oatmeal cookies I am making would alert you to the fact I do indeed know. What’s on ya’ mind, honey?” 

 Bitty had been a lot more free with his southern affections since Will had told him about his self exploration and it was nice, he had always felt Bitty was a little wary of him before which was understandable if a little awkward. Will was big and volatile and those things made Bitty nervous after what happened with the Football team at his high school; he did not know the exact details but he lived across the hall from him now, he knew about the nightmares.

“Cait and I talked and I was gonna wear my _soft_ clothes to it.” Bitty glanced at him over his shoulder from where he was slipping the last batch of cookies onto the cooling rack. “I thought I should tell you, because people can be assholes about stuff like this. I can take it, I know I can, and the guys will back me up, but - you know, if you’d rather I left it I will.”

 Bitty let out an indignant squeak. “I support you fully Dex. Fully! If I have done anything to…”

“No, I know Bitty. You have been wonderful, honestly. But you know how it gets when Ollie and Wicks get going, when C gets in the goalie zone and gets all up in peoples faces. Whiskey even nearly made a guy cry once after he made that period joke about Lard’s. We’re Hockey bro’s, confrontation is what we do and I know how that affects you so…”

“Oh bless your heart William Poindexter!”

“I’m serious Bit’s.” He said, stepping further into the kitchen. “If it’s better for you that I don’t or you wanna keep away from me then it’s fine.”

 Bitty was a light, warm, comforting presence most places he went (there was a time when Dex had been chewed up inside with envy that he was not that person) so it was always a little unsettling to see his upturned face became deadly serious about something other than who ate the brownies before they were cooled. “I didn’t realise y’all’d noticed.”

“We care about you, Bits.”

 Bitty smiled a little bashfully. “I’m better than I was as a Freshman, I still have some moments but I got Jack, and all’a y’all have helped. I’m getting help.” He squared his shoulders. “I will be fine. I doubt anyone will say anything with the boys around you, and I promise I’ll get myself outta there if anything does happen. How ‘bout that?”

“As long as you’re good. I don’t _need_ to do this now, I just feel comfortable enough to go out in Samwell and this seems like as good a time as any. Your mental health is more important though.”

 Bitty gave Will a look he could not read before yanking him down into a hug. “If you’re gonna cry I’d better go get Nursey.” He muttered, feeling relieved when Bitty laughed, stepping back to grab his arms with his crazy strong grip.

“You know, even when you were just this big ol’ ball of anger I respected how strong you were.” He gave Dex’s bicep a teasing squeeze. “An’ not just here.”

“Oh my God, Bitty!” Will laughed, pulling out of his grip in embarrassment.

“Like y’all don’t know how hot all’a you boys are. Drives the Soccer team out of their minds.”

“Uhhh…” Came from behind them and Will turned to find Nursey stood in the kitchen doorway with his jacket half off and failing to hide the slightly concerned look on his face. “What’s up guys?”

“Dex is just being a doll, ain’t ya.” Bitty glanced between the two of them and did a terrible job of keeping the knowing look off his face. “I’ll just go and see what the Taddie’s are doing to Chowder. Do NOT eat the cookies!” Bitty called as he swept out of the room, grinning over his shoulder at Will as he disappeared behind Nursey.

“Sooo…” Nursey drawled as he stepped into the room. “Wanna gimmie context for that?”

“Hashtag Jealous?” Will teased, grinning unrepentantly as Nursey pulled a face at him. 

“What if I am?”

“Then you’re fishing for compliments and reassurances you don’t need.” Nursey snorted and finished tugging off his jacket in the most awkward way possible. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Sit down. Please.”

 Will pulled out one of the odd chairs around the table and sat down heavily on it, tossing his arm over the back so he was facing Nursey. “I sit.”

“Beautifully done. So, tonight? You know how you were going to wearing fucking converse with your cute ass pants with the bow?”

“There is literally nothing wrong with converse. We’re going to be watching Volleyball who is going to be looking at my feet?” 

“I will.” Nursey muttered, coming to stand in front of Will

“You’ve bought me a pair of shoes haven’t you.” Will sighed, leaning his cheek on his fist as Nursey held out a pair of duck egg grey lace up plimsolls for his inspection.

“You can’t get mad ‘cause I got you a two hundred dollar speaker for your birthday and you didn’t say shit.” 

 Will ran a finger down the laces. They were very cute. “They’re lovely Derek, thank you.”

 Nursey almost preened, looking proud of himself as he squatted down in front of Will, cupping his ankles in his big warm palms as he carefully slid Will’s feet into the shoes, agile fingers tying some of the neatest bows Will had ever seen. “There.” He pronounced once they were both on, poking at Will’s toes as he wiggled them against the fabric of the shoes.

“I’ll be the best dressed in the room.” Will joked quietly, feeling the atmosphere in the room shift when Nursey looked up at him with his eyes like the wild sea on a overcast day, his hand sweeping up from Will’s ankle and under the soft fabric of his pyjama bottoms to rest on his calf.

“I can be jealous. I got so sulky when you were hanging out with Cait so much and Chris was going on about how great it was you were such good friends. ‘Cause you’re my best friend you know?” He squeezed Will’s leg gently. “When we tell people about us you’re gonna be sick of me within a month ‘cause I’ll be all extra about us, about you, all PDA and loving gazes. And I’ll keep buying you shit as well. Not for any...it’s just how we do in the Nurse household. We’re always off all over the place, my parents tried not to be when we were kids but it’s difficult when they’re a human rights lawyer and an ecologist, so they would buy Roxana and me stuff to remind us they loved us and were thinking about us so that’s just kinda a thing we do.” Nursey laughed a little bitterly. “People have though I was trying to buy their affection ‘cause I grew up with money, please don’t ever think that I am. It’s just one way I express my...that I care.”

 Will looked down at the smart, funny, kind, irritating, passionate man hunkered down on the tatty linoleum floor and wished he had poured his heart out somewhere else than the Haus kitchen. He reached out to run his fingers through Nursey’s hair and then remembered himself, instead leaning forward so their foreheads almost touched, Nursey’s eyes tracking the movement as he tucked his bangs behind his ear. “Good thing I wanna be spoilt.”

“Will…”

“You think I don’t know you’re an extra piece of shit? We’ll level out babe, it’s what we do.” Will brushed his lips against Nursey’s stubbled cheek. “There are worst things in life than being…than having someone who feels as deeply as you do, you know…”

“Love them?” Nursey put in, looking a little nervous.

 Will felt himself flush all the way down his chest, smiling so wide as an uncharacteristic giggle burst out of his mouth. “Yeah. Love them.”

 Nursey beamed up at him and Will knew everyone who had been put off by Nursey’s large, honest emotions was an idiot because he could barely breath at how wonderful it felt to be loved by him.

“I feel like I should be fining us. Your allowance can take care of that, right?”

 Nursey shot him a look as he stood up. “I’ll open a direct debit.” He glanced at the doorway as he reached out and swiped a cookie off the cooling rack as an almighty yell went up from the den that could only mean Chris and Bitty had just lost spectacularly.

“You sure you wanna do that?”

“Love makes you do crazy things.” Nursey declared easily, breaking the cookie in half and handing the slightly bigger bit to Will who could tell Nursey was going to use that to get away with a lot of dumb shit in the future, their future.

 He smiled to himself and shoved half the cookie in his mouth, grinning up at Nursey as he chewed on it. Nursey just stood there looking down at him with his stupidly handsome face, expression warm and his eyes soft. He gently tugged Will up and pressed a kiss to his lips that lingered long after he pulled away, letting a large hand rest heavily on the small of Will’s back. “Let’s go help beat the Taddy’s before Chris does himself an injury.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> 1) I am neither black, male, nor american so I have tried to be as respectful and accurate as I can in regards to Nursey's experiences and reactions. I know I have not really tackled this in my other fic's and I am trying to be better.
> 
> 2) Dex is at the start of his journey of exploration here, any vagueness or lack of clarity in a lot of his articulation is on purpose. He's getting there.
> 
>  
> 
> Come on over and say HI on my [ tumblr ](http://grandpianopossessed.tumblr.com/)


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